chicken broth?

At night I like to think

And the past few weeks I’ve had only one thing on my mind

Our bodies subconsciously transcribe DNA to RNA which is then translated in to protein and so on and so forth and yet despite that complexity I can’t even put my feelings for you in to the simplest of words.

because they aren’t simple.

I don’t know what these feelings are, but I’m looking at the moon tonight and he keeps reminding me how much I’d rather look at you.

Before the sun comes to chase him away, we have a conversation.

as his light gently touches the water he asks me what I long for.

I tell him about a girl with eyes like the stars, who’s skin is as soft as the clouds.

A girl who is more beautiful than the ocean, and stronger than the wind.

And I tell him that I don’t know what love is, and I don’t know if I ever will.

But as far as feelings go I’ve never felt such a connection.

Every second I spend with her is as wonderful as she is.

And each time I look into those eyes I feel more and more.

I don’t know if I should want those feelins to stay or to go because day by day a I find a new reason to fall for you.

I did NOT say fall in love.

Because I don’t know what love is, but I think it’s the smile that you bring to my face no matter how hard the world is pulling me down. Or maybe it might be the nickname that only you call me. Because I’ve always hated nick names but there’s something about you that I love.

I don’t know what love is but I swear every time you hug me I feel something. Every time your hand is in mine the world could end and I know I’d be just fine because everything I could ever want is right by my side.

I don’t know what love is but I feel it in my lungs every time I take a deep breath because you smell like beauty, and that’s a smell i’ll never forget.

I don’t know what love is but I run out of words when I try and explain how beautiful you are. Nothing can compare to you not the moon and definitely not the stars because they come and they go but you’re on my mind always.

Like a bird thinks about flying I think about you.

And I don’t know what love is but I’d do anything for you

You’re beautiful. No matter how many times I say it you’ll never hear it enough. And I can’t explain because my my heart won’t tell my brain how, but you make me feel alive.

Every inch of my soul knows you are, and I can feel my heart longing for you all the time.

I wish you could see into my mind and feel how I feel. My words can’t do justice, they never will.

I always wonder why we’re the same. Why we act the same, dress the same, and even say the same things. These similarities make it harder for me to tell myself no because I feel such a strong connection pulling me in to you.

No one makes me happier than you and I feel like if you’d have given me a chance I could’ve done the same for you.

I know there’s something there really deep down, but it can’t blossom unless you allow it to, I’ve done all I can and I’d do it again.

I don’t know what love is but this can’t be it.

Because love is supposed to be scary,

and I’ve never felt something more comforting in my life.

youth

there's something funny about growing up... 

it never get's easier. 

i spent years telling myself i never would, that i would just be physically old, but mentally adolescent. 

but as i go through life, there are experiences that force me to age without my consent.

throughout your entire life there will be shit you gotta go through that you don't deserve. That nobody deserves. Heavy shit you gotta go toe to toe with. Sometimes it'll beat you within an inch of your life. Sometimes it'll lay off only come back to kick you while your down.

i watched my friend grow up over night when his father passed away.

i watched my dad age 10 years in 2 months as the stress of supporting a family finally caught up to him 

you know what i learned?

that you can't not grow up. 

it's happening, and it hurts. 

remember this: through heartbreak, hopelessness, sadness, loneliness, you're always growing up. 

so play the songs that take you back to when you were younger. the songs that bring back the joy. the songs that take you back to your freshman summer, when you didn't have a worry in the world. 

to when your you and your friends walked the streets all night because that was your only way around town. going back and forth across town from house to house because you were free. 

because in this life i've learned that all good things come to and end. 

so hold on tightly to your memories

and never forget 

when you were young .

-mf

Insanity: My Diagnosis

They said he was loosing his mind

The one who got me started on click-clacking my way to digital happiness

You think he’s the crazy one,

But I haven’t slept in over 20 hours, and this is the 5^th thing I’ve written today after 1 month of silence.

I

AM NOT

CRAZY

I’m sad

This behavior has nothing to do with the mind, or loss of.

Not this, this comes from emotions

Because I haven’t seen him since Friday January 9^th, and I know that he knows this year is ending.

He knows that one day his class will be empty, that we’ll all be gone

Moved on to universities

Headed toward majors in Business, Law, or dare I say it… ART.

But he knows that one day his class will be filled with new people

He’ll get to recycle jokes, and re-tell stories,

But no one will ever re-tell our stories…

And no faces will ever replace our faces.

I bet he hopes we never replace him.

And you can bet your ass I won’t

--- 

This goes out to the most important class I ever took. The one that taught me more than any other class and did it with no tests and no books

To the class that taught me to be myself, and to love it

The class I will never forget. Creative Writing

So jocks keep being jocks 

Thugs keep being thugs

Punks keep being punks

And emos keep being emos

But when you come into Kyle Nelson's Creative Writing class, put your false ID aside

Because when you realize you're all just people, and that everyone is different

That is when you'll learn the most

Thanks Kyle for teaching me the most important lessons

you

This is for you. Nobody else.

And I hope it finds you at the right time.

For the one who is taking care of a family alone… while still in high school.

For the one who works to provide for everyone. Everyone but themselves.

This is for you.

For the one who is scared of everyone but themselves.

For the one eating between the double doors.

This is for you.

For the one whose collapsing under the pressure of grades, friends, and family.

And for the ones who’ve already been smashed.

This is for you.

For the one whose only canvas is the space between the palm of their hand and their elbow.

For the one who knows their mind could produce horror movies, yet they strive to be positive.

This is for you.

For the one whose happiness comes from a pill, and who is blind to the people they inspire, but fully aware to the ones they do not.

This is for you.

For the one whose nights are spent crying, and whose weekends consist of isolation.

For the ones whose worst enemies are their minds, and whose lives are rated R.

This is for you.

You. The ones walking through the halls behind their masks of happiness. The ones who think they are alone, that no one sees them.

The ones who think they can fool everyone. You might be able to fool them, but not me.

I’ve been there.

I know what it’s like to have the happiness sucked out of life, and to want nothing more than to end the pain.

But I know you care. You know that ending your pain will only bring so much more to others. Don’t do it. I love you. We love you. We care so much.

So come find me. I won’t judge. I remember the pain. And I don’t want anyone dealing with it by themselves. I already know you. And that’s why I’m here… waiting to help. 

recordabitur

I remember choosing to forget...

Soul

;

I walked through my dark bedroom to my desk, to switch on my favorite candle. I reached under the desk for the switch, a spider bit me… Put it’s fine-point syringes of antagonizing venom into my hand.

Eyes wide open, I saw the paper-thin incision points through the darkness. They were growing, floating off my hand. They grew closer and closer to my eyes, turning into binoculars, giving me a clear view of the inside. I saw the metro of nerves, leading to my brain. I hopped on, no one asked for a ticket. I rode to the deserted Grand Central that was my heart… What once was a thriving city with perfect weather, towering skyscrapers, and constant, beautiful light was now an empty wasteland. A dark gray-scale beating organ, almost non-essential to the life I was living. I dared to venture into it alone, and pushing passed the old libraries, filled with books of old memories, the trinket shops with their shattered windows, obscene writings on their walls. I took the stairs all the way down to it’s catacombs. Infinite winding halls burrowed deep into the abyss. Filled with etched names of those who left their mark. It’s faint light seemed to move away from you as you approached it. There were no lanterns, no sources for this dim light, but it was the only color in the whole place. A dim yellow. It flickered at times, which was the only way you could tell that you weren't frozen… Then finally it stopped, there was nothing but blackness. Seeing it for exactly what it was, I gathered myself, and took the leap of faith… The leap into my soul. It was a place I had never seen before, never even knew existed. I had heard so many things that remained unproven to my mind, it was as if they were all challenges. White people with white collars writing down things for us to test in a book and throwing it at us, all the while they didn't want us to test it, but simply to mark it with our stamp of approval, as if it gave them some sort of pleasure. It was as if I was damned for standing out. For not agreeing to just say OK. For wanting to experience everything, every sensation whether it be good or bad or bad or good, just to feel it… All of it. Because in my life the only thing I ever do is feel. I am good at it. I feel the sting of people talking about me, ridiculing what I do, the chill of those who turn their backs on me, who leave me to myself. I feel all of that… just as I felt that spider’s paper-thin fangs go in, and felt my passion go out. I felt myself sliding into blackness, knowing I would never return, and the only thing that was on my mind was her smile, the smile that used to light that now empty station.  I knew that that small light, that danced along the tunnel walls, providing you with some hope of something greater, was out. And that not even the sun…could take it’s place. 

please do not compare blogs

< 3

When a heart breaks, it hurts. 
But in the end it heals...right? 

Well what happens if it doesn't? 

Unfortunately I can answer that question. 
When you have a broken heart you're sad.
I don't mean the got ditched by your friends sad, I mean the my mom, dad, and sister all moved to New York without me kind of sad. 
The my parent's are putting me up for adoption at age 17 kind of sad. 
The my mom said no Netflix for a year type of sad. 

Love will drive you crazy. Sometimes it's absurd, and involuntary, and other times it's blissful, and perfectly balanced. But most of all, love is sharp, and every time something goes wrong it cuts you, but if it all works out it will cut you loose, liberate you, set you free. It will give you someone who completes you...someone to run with.

You find your true self when you're in love...at least that's what I've heard. You see I don't know if that's true or not. How should I? The last person that loved me back hasn't cared about me since Sophomore year. 

I want to listen to my heart, and all the good things it's trying to tell me, but I can't, because it's still trying to heal from the last girl who told me, "Josh you're a dream. But I don't feel the same about you as you do about me."

2am

; I think I saw this on another blog, but I wanted to make my own. So props to the original writer for unknowingly allowing me to steal some of their creativity. 

2am

2am is for the worriers.

2 am is for the forgetful.

2am is for the hungry, the anxious, and the worried. 2am is for kids like me. 

2am is for the over-thinkers, the under-thinkers, and the procrastinators. 

2am is for the caring mothers, the crying babies, and the snoring husbands. 

2am is for the sneaking out, for the Beto's runs. 

2am is for the Alpine cops looking to bust the kids trying to have a little fun. 

2am is for the kids on Christmas eve.

2am is for the people who work at Megaplex to clean up after a late showing. 

2am is a barrier, if you don't find sleep before it, it's not gonna find you after. 

2am is for the lovers, the fighters, and the one-siders.

2am is for the horror movies, for the cuddling, for watching thunderstorms from the window. 

2am is for the long drives, for the flood of thought, for the deep conversations. 

2am is when you get to really know someone. 

2am is for the wishing, the wondering, and the reflecting. 

2am is for the laughter, the tears, and the phone calls. 

2am is when everything happens. 

So don't miss out.

Nature

Nature is all around us. 
It's in the pencil you're holding,
the pages in the books you read, 
the walls in your house. 

Nature is everything,
the water in your toilet bowl,
the background in your photo shoot, 
the spot where you take your gf. 

But the way some use nature is far more admirable than the way others do. 

All you campers, all you adventurers, all you rock-climbers, cliff-jumpers, river rafters, I envy you. 

I wish I could do the things you do, I wish I could find love in nature. I wish I could disconnect the cords that plug me into the e-world, because they are starting to get tangled, because Twitter, Xbox, and Netflix are starting to tie themselves around me. 

I yearn to be free, to explore, to lose all the stress. It is my goal to get loose...

But right now, I feel like if I unplug the cords...I might just run out of juice...

and die

Terrible time for procrastination. There's no way I will write about death after everything that's happened. Sorry

RIP Hunter Dahl - I will miss you terribly. Thank you so much for everything you've done and the friendship you showed me.

tracks

• Rough - Childish Gambino
• The Sleaze - Wiz Khalifa
• True Colors - Wiz Khalifa
• All Along the Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix
• Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix
• The Palisades - Childish Gambino
• 3005 - Childish Gambino 
• Telegraph Ave. - Childish Gambino
• Worst Behavior - Drake
• Pound Cake - Drake
• FDB - Young Dro
• Here I Go - Hustle Gang
• Medicated - Wiz Khalifa 
• "Secret Track" - Childish Gambino 

The Days

You remember those days? 

Elementary School; where recess could never come fast enough, where the fastest kid was number 1 in all the girls' hearts. Yes, elementary school...where whoever could skip the most monkey bars was amazing, where you always wanted to impress everyone. Where the days were so long, and so plentiful. The easy schedule. The 3 recesses a day. A place where grades didn't exist, and the only stresses were if you were gonna be the first group out to four square.

Or what about Junior High. What about the awkward phase. That phase where your body was making you look like an idiot in front of the whole human population. Yeah I remember that! Where you had 4 classes a day, and teachers stopped being so sweet. So many new faces, maybe it was the first time you saw the face of your crush. All your friends know you dig her... Oh shoot they're gonna push you two together... Well this is awkward. Remember that time where you lived for the weekend. Finally some time off! Kick off the weekend with the football game and then just chilling with the squad! We must have walked 500 miles in those days. Remember how everyone was friends. How everyone had their own groups, but we could all come together and get along! Where you crew was so big, so many people you knew would have your back! All those rides in various mothers suburbans. They were so nice to drive everyone place to place, but we never thanked them. Remember walking down to Snoasis and seeing everyone who's anyone in line. Remember when you had nothing to do, so you'd walk down to Walmart and just mess around. Remember all those friends

I don't know about you, but I feel alone in high-school. And I'd give anything those old days back.

The Hallway

I hate the hallway. 

I absolutely hate it.

I hate trying to walk in it, I hate trying to talk in it, I hate everything about it.

I hate the length, I hate the basic tile pattern, I hate the green lockers, I hate the dirty ceilings. 

I hate the mirrors, I hate the cheesey quotes, I hate the sky-lights. 

I don't hate it... I'm just scared of it. 

I'm scared of the people who walk by.

I'm scared of the ones looking at me... Do I match? Hows my skin? Is this shirt too small? Are my shoes out of style? 

I'm scared of the judgments that are made... Is that real? Wow he must be poor. Didn't he wear that yesterday?

I'm scared of the people who talk to me. The people who say "Hi," but it's like they wait until the last second...so I have to yell hi over my shoulder. 

I'm scared of the eye contacts... The ones I make but then quickly break off while acting like I'm reading a sign. 

The worst of these two is when the girl of my dreams makes eye contact and says hi. Wow that gets me... I barely manage to throw up a smile, and get a "hey" out. Wow...that was a creepy smile wasn't it. 



I hate the hallway, but the thing I fear most...is walking it alone. 

How to drive a car

• Open the door
• Sit down in the drivers seat
• Take the key and put it into the ignition
• Rotate the key and hold until the engine turns over
• Apply the brake and put the car in drive
• If you're in a manual car, that sucks
• Go straight until you get to where you're going
• Leave your insurance info on everything you hit
• Wear a seat-belt 

things to do in the rain

• run
• skip
• dance
• hug
• cry
• kiss
• walk
• roll
• die
• sing
• be alone
• think
• mourn
• eat
• talk
• sleep
• get pruny
• splash in puddles
• look for rainbows
• snuggle
• watch movies
• stay in bed
• forget to water the plants
• your dog stinks in the rain

There are endless things you can do in the rain, but you better do something new every time...because you never know it will rain for the last time. 

Travel

Here are a bunch of city gifs for when you feel like you're stuck in Utah. 

Last but certainly not least...Paris

Bricks

Seriously Nelson...Bricks. 

Wow. I don't even know where to start. 

I guess there are a lot of things you can do with bricks.

You can build with bricks

You can sell bricks

You can move a brick...

Maybe you can't do a lot of things with bricks, but bricks are important. I know that if we didn't have bricks we wouldn't have a fireplace in my house...but. My fireplace doesn't work anyways so I guess it doesn't matter. 

In real life the focal point of this is that if we didn't have bricks it would suck because Kevin from Home Alone wouldn't be able to throw one at Marv...and I liked that part of the movie. 

It made me laugh.

The Story of Him

Him was my best friend wait, maybe it was He...

He was my best friend.

But I wanna talk about Him not He... I suppose in order to know Him first you have to know He. 

He was a happy kid...privileged, good looking, likable. He had basically everything...at least everything I wanted. He was happy...at least I think He was. He never really did anything to convince me otherwise. 

He and I were good friends. Not great friends, but good. 

Then, when we were on the verge of becoming best friends, He changed. Oh boy did He change. I remember the night when He became Him. He was with me and some other friends. Something happened to He, an accident. It shattered He, and left Him there in his place. 

This was different. Him was different. I was scared of Him. He was never like this, never dangerous, never scary, never reckless. But that was Him. Careless, non-grateful. I was shocked with the new Him, and it scared me. I distanced myself from Him. But now I'm trying to help Him be like He was. Trying to change Him back. Because He was my best friend...and I really really didn't like Him.

What I Want

Baby..
I love ya

I wanna dance the night away with you. I wanna swing around the dance floor with your hand in mine and hold you in my arms when the songs get slow.

I wanna dress up and take you out for a night on the town. We could eat dinner outside under the starts and have a romantic conversation. We'd act all grown up and proper until we can't take it anymore and we burst out laughing. I'd catch you smiling.  I can see it now... your blue eyes and that beautiful smile.

I wanna call you at 6 o'clock on a Sunday evening and have you come over and spend the rest of the day watching Netflix with me. 

I want you to call me and say, "Hey, I'm having a hard day, can you come over?" You know I'd be right there! I'd do anything for ya. 

I wanna go for a romantic drive in the canyon as the leaves change colors. I wanna go up to tibble fork and watch the stars. I wanna take you up to the parking lot above the fork and kiss you in the moonlight...

I want to be able to call you mine. I want you to be mine. I don't wanna worry about anybody else. 

But those are just things I want..maybe someday I'll be able to have them.