recordabitur

I remember choosing to forget...

Soul

;

I walked through my dark bedroom to my desk, to switch on my favorite candle. I reached under the desk for the switch, a spider bit me… Put it’s fine-point syringes of antagonizing venom into my hand.

Eyes wide open, I saw the paper-thin incision points through the darkness. They were growing, floating off my hand. They grew closer and closer to my eyes, turning into binoculars, giving me a clear view of the inside. I saw the metro of nerves, leading to my brain. I hopped on, no one asked for a ticket. I rode to the deserted Grand Central that was my heart… What once was a thriving city with perfect weather, towering skyscrapers, and constant, beautiful light was now an empty wasteland. A dark gray-scale beating organ, almost non-essential to the life I was living. I dared to venture into it alone, and pushing passed the old libraries, filled with books of old memories, the trinket shops with their shattered windows, obscene writings on their walls. I took the stairs all the way down to it’s catacombs. Infinite winding halls burrowed deep into the abyss. Filled with etched names of those who left their mark. It’s faint light seemed to move away from you as you approached it. There were no lanterns, no sources for this dim light, but it was the only color in the whole place. A dim yellow. It flickered at times, which was the only way you could tell that you weren't frozen… Then finally it stopped, there was nothing but blackness. Seeing it for exactly what it was, I gathered myself, and took the leap of faith… The leap into my soul. It was a place I had never seen before, never even knew existed. I had heard so many things that remained unproven to my mind, it was as if they were all challenges. White people with white collars writing down things for us to test in a book and throwing it at us, all the while they didn't want us to test it, but simply to mark it with our stamp of approval, as if it gave them some sort of pleasure. It was as if I was damned for standing out. For not agreeing to just say OK. For wanting to experience everything, every sensation whether it be good or bad or bad or good, just to feel it… All of it. Because in my life the only thing I ever do is feel. I am good at it. I feel the sting of people talking about me, ridiculing what I do, the chill of those who turn their backs on me, who leave me to myself. I feel all of that… just as I felt that spider’s paper-thin fangs go in, and felt my passion go out. I felt myself sliding into blackness, knowing I would never return, and the only thing that was on my mind was her smile, the smile that used to light that now empty station.  I knew that that small light, that danced along the tunnel walls, providing you with some hope of something greater, was out. And that not even the sun…could take it’s place. 

please do not compare blogs

< 3

When a heart breaks, it hurts. 
But in the end it heals...right? 

Well what happens if it doesn't? 

Unfortunately I can answer that question. 
When you have a broken heart you're sad.
I don't mean the got ditched by your friends sad, I mean the my mom, dad, and sister all moved to New York without me kind of sad. 
The my parent's are putting me up for adoption at age 17 kind of sad. 
The my mom said no Netflix for a year type of sad. 

Love will drive you crazy. Sometimes it's absurd, and involuntary, and other times it's blissful, and perfectly balanced. But most of all, love is sharp, and every time something goes wrong it cuts you, but if it all works out it will cut you loose, liberate you, set you free. It will give you someone who completes you...someone to run with.

You find your true self when you're in love...at least that's what I've heard. You see I don't know if that's true or not. How should I? The last person that loved me back hasn't cared about me since Sophomore year. 

I want to listen to my heart, and all the good things it's trying to tell me, but I can't, because it's still trying to heal from the last girl who told me, "Josh you're a dream. But I don't feel the same about you as you do about me."

2am

; I think I saw this on another blog, but I wanted to make my own. So props to the original writer for unknowingly allowing me to steal some of their creativity. 

2am

2am is for the worriers.

2 am is for the forgetful.

2am is for the hungry, the anxious, and the worried. 2am is for kids like me. 

2am is for the over-thinkers, the under-thinkers, and the procrastinators. 

2am is for the caring mothers, the crying babies, and the snoring husbands. 

2am is for the sneaking out, for the Beto's runs. 

2am is for the Alpine cops looking to bust the kids trying to have a little fun. 

2am is for the kids on Christmas eve.

2am is for the people who work at Megaplex to clean up after a late showing. 

2am is a barrier, if you don't find sleep before it, it's not gonna find you after. 

2am is for the lovers, the fighters, and the one-siders.

2am is for the horror movies, for the cuddling, for watching thunderstorms from the window. 

2am is for the long drives, for the flood of thought, for the deep conversations. 

2am is when you get to really know someone. 

2am is for the wishing, the wondering, and the reflecting. 

2am is for the laughter, the tears, and the phone calls. 

2am is when everything happens. 

So don't miss out.

Nature

Nature is all around us. 
It's in the pencil you're holding,
the pages in the books you read, 
the walls in your house. 

Nature is everything,
the water in your toilet bowl,
the background in your photo shoot, 
the spot where you take your gf. 

But the way some use nature is far more admirable than the way others do. 

All you campers, all you adventurers, all you rock-climbers, cliff-jumpers, river rafters, I envy you. 

I wish I could do the things you do, I wish I could find love in nature. I wish I could disconnect the cords that plug me into the e-world, because they are starting to get tangled, because Twitter, Xbox, and Netflix are starting to tie themselves around me. 

I yearn to be free, to explore, to lose all the stress. It is my goal to get loose...

But right now, I feel like if I unplug the cords...I might just run out of juice...

and die

Terrible time for procrastination. There's no way I will write about death after everything that's happened. Sorry

RIP Hunter Dahl - I will miss you terribly. Thank you so much for everything you've done and the friendship you showed me.

tracks

• Rough - Childish Gambino
• The Sleaze - Wiz Khalifa
• True Colors - Wiz Khalifa
• All Along the Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix
• Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix
• The Palisades - Childish Gambino
• 3005 - Childish Gambino 
• Telegraph Ave. - Childish Gambino
• Worst Behavior - Drake
• Pound Cake - Drake
• FDB - Young Dro
• Here I Go - Hustle Gang
• Medicated - Wiz Khalifa 
• "Secret Track" - Childish Gambino 

The Days

You remember those days? 

Elementary School; where recess could never come fast enough, where the fastest kid was number 1 in all the girls' hearts. Yes, elementary school...where whoever could skip the most monkey bars was amazing, where you always wanted to impress everyone. Where the days were so long, and so plentiful. The easy schedule. The 3 recesses a day. A place where grades didn't exist, and the only stresses were if you were gonna be the first group out to four square.

Or what about Junior High. What about the awkward phase. That phase where your body was making you look like an idiot in front of the whole human population. Yeah I remember that! Where you had 4 classes a day, and teachers stopped being so sweet. So many new faces, maybe it was the first time you saw the face of your crush. All your friends know you dig her... Oh shoot they're gonna push you two together... Well this is awkward. Remember that time where you lived for the weekend. Finally some time off! Kick off the weekend with the football game and then just chilling with the squad! We must have walked 500 miles in those days. Remember how everyone was friends. How everyone had their own groups, but we could all come together and get along! Where you crew was so big, so many people you knew would have your back! All those rides in various mothers suburbans. They were so nice to drive everyone place to place, but we never thanked them. Remember walking down to Snoasis and seeing everyone who's anyone in line. Remember when you had nothing to do, so you'd walk down to Walmart and just mess around. Remember all those friends

I don't know about you, but I feel alone in high-school. And I'd give anything those old days back.

The Hallway

I hate the hallway. 

I absolutely hate it.

I hate trying to walk in it, I hate trying to talk in it, I hate everything about it.

I hate the length, I hate the basic tile pattern, I hate the green lockers, I hate the dirty ceilings. 

I hate the mirrors, I hate the cheesey quotes, I hate the sky-lights. 

I don't hate it... I'm just scared of it. 

I'm scared of the people who walk by.

I'm scared of the ones looking at me... Do I match? Hows my skin? Is this shirt too small? Are my shoes out of style? 

I'm scared of the judgments that are made... Is that real? Wow he must be poor. Didn't he wear that yesterday?

I'm scared of the people who talk to me. The people who say "Hi," but it's like they wait until the last second...so I have to yell hi over my shoulder. 

I'm scared of the eye contacts... The ones I make but then quickly break off while acting like I'm reading a sign. 

The worst of these two is when the girl of my dreams makes eye contact and says hi. Wow that gets me... I barely manage to throw up a smile, and get a "hey" out. Wow...that was a creepy smile wasn't it. 



I hate the hallway, but the thing I fear most...is walking it alone. 

How to drive a car

• Open the door
• Sit down in the drivers seat
• Take the key and put it into the ignition
• Rotate the key and hold until the engine turns over
• Apply the brake and put the car in drive
• If you're in a manual car, that sucks
• Go straight until you get to where you're going
• Leave your insurance info on everything you hit
• Wear a seat-belt 

things to do in the rain

• run
• skip
• dance
• hug
• cry
• kiss
• walk
• roll
• die
• sing
• be alone
• think
• mourn
• eat
• talk
• sleep
• get pruny
• splash in puddles
• look for rainbows
• snuggle
• watch movies
• stay in bed
• forget to water the plants
• your dog stinks in the rain

There are endless things you can do in the rain, but you better do something new every time...because you never know it will rain for the last time. 

Travel

Here are a bunch of city gifs for when you feel like you're stuck in Utah. 

Last but certainly not least...Paris

Bricks

Seriously Nelson...Bricks. 

Wow. I don't even know where to start. 

I guess there are a lot of things you can do with bricks.

You can build with bricks

You can sell bricks

You can move a brick...

Maybe you can't do a lot of things with bricks, but bricks are important. I know that if we didn't have bricks we wouldn't have a fireplace in my house...but. My fireplace doesn't work anyways so I guess it doesn't matter. 

In real life the focal point of this is that if we didn't have bricks it would suck because Kevin from Home Alone wouldn't be able to throw one at Marv...and I liked that part of the movie. 

It made me laugh.

The Story of Him

Him was my best friend wait, maybe it was He...

He was my best friend.

But I wanna talk about Him not He... I suppose in order to know Him first you have to know He. 

He was a happy kid...privileged, good looking, likable. He had basically everything...at least everything I wanted. He was happy...at least I think He was. He never really did anything to convince me otherwise. 

He and I were good friends. Not great friends, but good. 

Then, when we were on the verge of becoming best friends, He changed. Oh boy did He change. I remember the night when He became Him. He was with me and some other friends. Something happened to He, an accident. It shattered He, and left Him there in his place. 

This was different. Him was different. I was scared of Him. He was never like this, never dangerous, never scary, never reckless. But that was Him. Careless, non-grateful. I was shocked with the new Him, and it scared me. I distanced myself from Him. But now I'm trying to help Him be like He was. Trying to change Him back. Because He was my best friend...and I really really didn't like Him.

What I Want

Baby..
I love ya

I wanna dance the night away with you. I wanna swing around the dance floor with your hand in mine and hold you in my arms when the songs get slow.

I wanna dress up and take you out for a night on the town. We could eat dinner outside under the starts and have a romantic conversation. We'd act all grown up and proper until we can't take it anymore and we burst out laughing. I'd catch you smiling.  I can see it now... your blue eyes and that beautiful smile.

I wanna call you at 6 o'clock on a Sunday evening and have you come over and spend the rest of the day watching Netflix with me. 

I want you to call me and say, "Hey, I'm having a hard day, can you come over?" You know I'd be right there! I'd do anything for ya. 

I wanna go for a romantic drive in the canyon as the leaves change colors. I wanna go up to tibble fork and watch the stars. I wanna take you up to the parking lot above the fork and kiss you in the moonlight...

I want to be able to call you mine. I want you to be mine. I don't wanna worry about anybody else. 

But those are just things I want..maybe someday I'll be able to have them.

What we had (love)

Do you ever just stop what you're doing and think about how life was? Remember everything we used to do? The rainy days we used to spend together? Do you remember when we used to just talk? I swear the world stopped when we were together. It seemed like there was no world outside on those rainy days. Time didn't exist when we were together. I remember the first time we spent a day together. I learned so much about you. I still remember what you like and what you hate. After that first day it was like I had known you my whole entire life. I felt like I knew you better than anyone else. I fell in love with you that day, but I didn't know it yet, that came later. We kept talking, spending days together in the rain, we even talked about your boy troubles... That was when I told you I would hook you up with that kid. Told you I could do it. It would be easy. It was easy. It was too easy. You guys fell in love so fast. And then I was left there, all alone. Still attached, still longing for love that would never come around, to hold you in my arms. And it stayed that way for a very long time. He got chance after chance, told you lie after lie, I knew I could do better. But I stayed there with the new role 'best friend.' I never lied, was never mean, the only thing I was was there for you. I was always there for you. You would call me late at night crying, texted me all day. Counted on me for so much, and of course I did all of it, because I was in love. For some reason the rainy days never stopped. We still spent so much time together and I loved it at first, but now, I regret everything. I should have left, we should have parted ways. I should have found someone else to love. Because as the rainy days we spent together continued, my feelings grew stronger. It was unbearable to see you with him. It broke my heart every day. I kept thinking I would have my chance, but no way...you loved him as much as I loved you. It left me in a wreck. It was never clear that you wouldn't have feelings for me, we were always so close that it seemed there would be something. But there wasn't. It was never supposed to be that way. I was always there for you, but you were never here for me. 

And now you're texting me, asking where the rainy days went. Wondering why we never spend time together anymore. 

I don't know what to say, so I'll ask you...Do you remember those rainy days? Because I am trying hard to forget them. 

  ;Only when you wake up and recognize your full potential will you achieve your vision of success.

Pens and Swords

IS THE PEN MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD?

yes

Well here's why.

If you want something to believe something, say you're a ruler and you need to prove a point. Which would be more successful? 

That is a very very very hard question. You see the sword is mighty. Many things will fall to the blade of a sword. Multiple swords can take a nation. Conquer everything they come acrossed if used correctly, but the pen can do this also. Recall Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. The effects it had, the things it did, the way it took a broken nation and gave hope to those who looked to it. 

Now we have two mighty things. Pen and sword, sword and pen. Now say you're not a ruler. You are no one special. You're just an ordinary person with no power over anyone. Now pick up a sword and go out and try to do something with it. Homie it's a sword people will laugh at you! Then when you kill someone, you'll get shot. How's that sound? Awful. See swords gain might in number. Pens do too. But pens can be powerful. Even when there's just a few. See writing is art. Killing...well killing is not. And not even the sharpest blade penetrates like the sharpest thought. Words have more affects on people than swords. People who use pens earn more awards. Because pens are better. A weapon of death will never beat a weapon of knowledge. 

Knowledge is key. It's a gift for those who look. But death is unfair when it's in someone else's hands. Knowledge can break bands. Help a nation learn to stand. It can eliminate the need for swords. But also know this, the pen is the mightiest tool of war. Because what will in fact happen, is that the pen will become the sword.

Crayons

Crayons

“We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, while others bright, some have weird names, but they all have learned to live together in the same box.”

― Robert Fulghum

  ;I'll admit it. I've never given crayons that much thought. I always took them for granted. Took them as something simple, something that there's nothing new to discover about it. To me, my knowledge of crayons was complete. All they would ever be are oily, less precise colored pencils. I didn't even like crayons! I didn't like them one bit...until I found this quote. 

Look at it. Read it. Strip it down. If you think hard it really has nothing to do with crayons. It does however, have everything to do with us. I know that this post is titled crayons, and that its supposed to be all about crayons. But something led me away from the topic of crayons and I decided to run with it. 

Significance and Meaning

Who would have thought, that a small box of crayons could be analyzed down to the point of this. One of the most amazing lessons you can teach someone, one of the best quotes I've ever seen. A quote that put and left a smile on my face came from a box of freakin crayons. I love that.

It gets me thinking about the lessons you can learn from the simplest things in life. It makes me want to stop taking everything for granted. Things I'm not even aware of. Think about it, and use it. I mean don't over analyze everything, but would it be cool to find something totally simple, apply it to a life message and change the whole entire world. Yeah that would be pretty legendary. You could be on Oprah for that shiz. Imma try it. And I hope it will change my life, your life and the lives of people around you. But really, I just wanna be on Oprah.

Waffles v Humans

Waffles are like humans

Humans are a thing 

Waffles are also a thing 

When you eat a waffle you get full

When you eat a human you get full...I think

I've never eaten a human, but waffles are like humans. A human could dress up as a waffle if they wanted, or they could eat waffles. 

Humans and waffles have ups and downs. You have ups and downs in your life. The ups are great and the downs are horrible. Sometimes it feels like the downs are more frequent than the ups, usually not but if so, it's ok. You're just a retarded waffle. Anyways, just remember through the ups and downs that you are a beautiful waffle full of ups and downs! That's the way it's supposed to be! If you were flat all the time, that would make you a pancake. 

Marsilio

My name is Marsilio Ficino and I love the city. I love where I am able to sit back and disappear while everyone continues their days oblivious to me and my judgements I'm making on them. Not judgements really, but more like observations. One can tell a lot about a person by the way they conduct themselves when they think no ones looking. I'm fascinated by the everyday tasks of everyone and love to see how different they all are.